


Fireworks

by MayWeMeetAgain07



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe - The 100 (TV) Fusion, Cross-Posted on Wattpad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:27:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24559894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MayWeMeetAgain07/pseuds/MayWeMeetAgain07
Summary: "10 months. 10 months was enough to numb the pain. Bellamy hated it, hated how the pain lessened because his sister deserved more. She deserved the world, and he couldn’t give her it."Octavia died 10 months ago in a car crash. That day changed Bellamy forever- a permanent reminder of what he had lost. As he undergoes the struggles of facing his pain, will he learn to accept the help of his friends? Or will he suffer through the numbness by himself?A Modern AU, Originally posted on my Wattpad account, @MayWeMeetAgain07.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Eric Jackson/Nathan Miller, Jasper Jordan/Maya Vie, John Murphy/Raven Reyes, Monty Green/Harper McIntyre, Octavia Blake/Lincoln
Comments: 8
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

Bellamy remembered the day so vividly.

He woke up, took a shower, and got dressed. He ate breakfast and performed his daily ritual of calling Octavia. They talked for a little.

He didn’t know that it would be the last time they talked ever.

“Hey big brother.”

“Hey O. How are you doing?”

There was a small laugh from the other end. “I’m fine. Lincoln’s gonna bake a cake and take it to the 4th of July party. Are you coming?”

Bellamy blinked. Right, today was the 4th of July. “Oh, yeah, Monty and Harper are doing a party at their house this year, aren’t they?”

“Mhm.”

“I mean, yeah I’m coming.”

“Cool. Lincoln and I might be late, I’m working a late shift tonight.”

Bellamy nodded. “Okay. Well I’ll see you there?”

Another laugh. “Yeah big brother. You’ll see me there.”

Then he’d hung up. Clarke came into the kitchen, stifling a yawn. “Morning.” he’d said.

She’d walked to the kitchen island where he was sitting and sat down next to him. “Morning.” She’d replied.

“So, you going to the party tonight?” he’d ventured.

She’d nodded and grabbed his coffee, taking a quick sip. “Hey!” he’d exclaimed. “The coffee pot is right over there.”

Clarke had shrugged, offering him a mischievous smile. “Yours always tastes better.”

Bellamy had frowned, but let it slide. This was Clarke, after all.

Then they’d gone their separate ways, her to the Hospital and him to the College that he was a professor at.

He had an uneventful work day, it was summer vacation so none of the students were there and he was trying to finish his lesson planning. Time flew, and before he knew it, it was 7 o’clock. The party started at 8, so he’d driven home. Clarke wasn’t home yet, which wasn’t unusual. Sometimes she stayed a little late.

He’d then driven over to Harper and Monty’s house. Everyone was already there, everyone except Clarke, Lincoln, and Octavia that is.

Bellamy had sat in some plastic lawn chairs in the back, alternating between taking sips of his beer and chatting with Murphy. At about 9, Jasper had declared that they were done waiting for Octavia, Clarke, and Lincoln, and to ‘let the fireworks show begin.’

Bellamy had swallowed his nervousness and looked up at the sky. The fireworks were what he remembered the most about that night, the dazzling reds and blues and yellows that filled the night sky.

They’d just finished the second to last when Jasper, who was more than a little drunk at this point, stood on one of the picnic tables. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he’d announced. “It’s time for the firework we’ve all been waiting for, the most amazing and spectacular of all, presenting… THE IRON FIST!”

Jasper had stepped aside and gestured at the last firework, which his girlfriend, Maya, had set on the grass and was attempting to light. An awkward silence had filled the air as the firework failed to light.

Jasper had leaned down and kissed her on the cheek gently, whispering something in her ear before gently taking the lighter from her hands and trying to light it himself. Maya had backed away, and Jasper had finally succeeded in lighting the wick.

Jasper, too, backed away, and the backyard filled with tense silence.

The Iron Fist exploded in an array of color and sound. Grey sparks shot up in the air, and the crowd ooh-ed and aah-ed.

The gate opened, and Bellamy’s eyes snapped to it. It was Clarke. Even in the dark, he could see that she was crying. His gaze jumped down to her hands, which she was holding gingerly in front of herself. Her eyes scanned the crowd of people before finally landing on him.

The back of his neck prickled. Was that…  _ blood _ on her hands? They stared at each other, horror dawning on Bellamy. The firework fizzled and died out. Harper was the first to notice Clarke, calling, “Hey Clarke!”

They all turned to her, started to greet her, before stopping halfway through. An awful silence filled the backyard. Clarke never once looked away from Bellamy.

She cleared her throat, and tears spilled from her glassy eyes. Her whisper felt so loud in the quiet backyard.

“... It’s Octavia.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "10 months. 10 months was enough to numb the pain. Bellamy hated it, hated how the pain lessened because his sister deserved more. She deserved the world, and he couldn’t give her it."  
> Octavia died 10 months ago in a car crash. That day changed Bellamy forever- a permanent reminder of what he had lost. As he undergoes the struggles of facing his pain, will he learn to accept the help of his friends? Or will he suffer through the numbness by himself?
> 
> A Modern AU, Originally posted on my Wattpad account, @MayWeMeetAgain07.

10 months. 10 months was enough to numb the pain. Bellamy hated it, hated how the pain lessened because his sister deserved more. She deserved the world, and he couldn’t give her it.

Every time someone referred to her in the past tense was like a physical blow.

Bellamy hadn’t cried for her yet. He was shoving everything Octavia related into a file in his brain never to be looked at again. He hated himself for it, for trying to forget, but he knew that he would shatter if he tried to sort through it.

A part of him had died that day in the backyard, a part of him had died with Lincoln and Octavia in that car crash. Her funeral was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. Him and Clarke had driven home in silence, and then he’d gotten home and sat on the couch, unable to move, unable to think, too numb to do anything except stare.

Clarke cried though. He heard her through the thin walls sometimes. But she was getting better, she had a therapist (finally- he’d been recommending she get one for years), and he hadn’t heard her cry in at least a month.

They both handled pain in different ways. Clarke let it all out and waited for it to pass, and Bellamy never fully came to terms with it. He worked harder than before until the numbness became familiar.

“-Bellamy?” Clarke was saying. He blinked. He hadn’t realized that he’d zoned out.

“Oh, uh, sorry.” He told her, grabbing a fork of noodles and shoving them in his mouth to spare himself from talking anymore.

She gave him a confused look, and if he was the old Bellamy, his heart would’ve done a flip-flop and he would have laughed. He would have thought she looked cute with her face all scrunched up. He would call her his Princess, and she-

“Do you like the noodles?” She asked, once again interrupting his thoughts.

“Mhm.”

Hanging out with Clarke had never been this awkward. Sure, he used to hate it, hate  _ her _ , but it was never awkward. They’d been through everything together, their friends getting married, breakups, Octavia’s… death.

Bellamy cleared his throat. “I mean, yeah. Yeah, they’re good.”

His therapist, well, back when he still had one, would always tell him to use his words more. Answer with more than one word.

Clarke was the only person he could bear to be around, all the others were constantly flashing him looks of sympathy. It was almost like she could read his mind, because she told him: “I’m glad you like them. And…”

She paused, and he glanced up, inviting her to continue. “Would you… would you like to come to the bar with Murphy and I next week?”

Bellamy swallowed another bite of noodles. “Uh…” He’d forgotten Clarke and Murphy got together every week to get drinks. “I- I dunno…” he mumbled, avoiding eye contact.

“It’s fine if you don’t want to,” she quickly amended. “I just thought, you know, you might want to… get out a little more?”

Bellamy nearly choked on his noodles. “I do get out!”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Yeah, for work.”

Bellamy frowned and crossed his arms. “So? I’m still getting out!”

Clarke’s lips twitched into a half smile. “Work doesn’t count as getting out.” Okay, she was definitely teasing him now.

Bellamy probably should’ve teased her right back, but his heart wasn’t in it so he settled for silence. He heard Clarke sigh. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to come, I was just teasing.”

“I’ll think about it.” He said slowly. It couldn’t be too bad, right? Murphy was definitely not the kind of person to pity him. And it was only one night.

I mean, what could go wrong in one night?

…

Bellamy had nightmares. Every night, it was Octavia’s car crash. Maybe that was why he had bags under his eyes. He heard Clarke crying softly for the first time all month. His heart twisted because he knew it was probably their conversation from earlier.

Clarke wanted the old Bellamy back. The one that teased her, the one that called her Princess, the one that came to her side the second she started crying.

But Bellamy stayed in bed. He curled up tighter. He was the reason Clarke was crying, he was the reason Octavia had died. It was all his fault.

Everything was his fault.

Clarke’s crying eventually turned to snores. So Bellamy shut his eyes.

…

Clarke was shaking his shoulders. “Bell?”

Bellamy snapped awake. Clarke was above him, smiling softly. “Hey.” She whispered, biting her lip.

“Hey.” He repeated, rubbing his eyes.

“I made pancakes… do you want any?”

He nodded. “Sure.”

Bellamy used to do all the cooking. But now, whenever he got near the mixer, his thoughts turned to teaching Octavia to cook when they were little. So through a combination of online cooking classes and fast food, they got through.

He walked into the kitchen, and sure enough some pancakes were waiting for him on the counter. He sat down on the stool and started eating. The shower turned on in the background. It was Thursday, he had to leave in an hour to get to the school at 8, half an hour before classes started.

Clarke and Murphy were getting together tomorrow… he’d better decide quickly. The shower turned off, snapping him out of his thoughts. Bellamy finished his pancake and washed off his plate. Clarke stepped out of the bathroom and he went in.

The hot shower water felt good.

When he stepped out, Clarke knocked on the door. “Can I come in?”

“No! Hang on…” he told her as he got dressed. He opened the door and they brushed their teeth together in silence.

“So…” Clarke started as she put her toothbrush away. “You coming Friday?”

Bellamy shifted uneasily. “Uh… I mean… Sure?”

Clarke squealed, actually  _ squealed _ , and did a little happy dance. “Woohoo! Bellamy is ready to socialize!”

She seemed so happy that he didn’t bother to correct her. He’d go one night, that was all. He’d say hi to Murphy, then just say as little as possible and probably get drunk. They’d go home and that would be that.

...

Friday night had come. Clarke had actually bothered with makeup, she was wearing a cute red strapless dress that made Bellamy wish he’d dressed up a little more. He didn’t have to be worried though- Murphy was going casual too.

Murphy spotted them across the room and his eyes widened in surprise. “Bellamy!” he shouted with a smile as they neared.

“Hi.” Bellamy responded as they sat down next to him.

“So,” Murphy started. “What did you bribe him with?”

Clarke laughed. “Nothing. Believe it or not, he came of his own free will.”

Murphy looked at her mock-suspiciously before his eyes drifted to Bellamy. “Okay, tell me what she offered you.”

“Nothing.”

There was a tense silence where nobody laughed. Then Clarke chuckled awkwardly and the conversation started again. Bellamy answered Murphy’s questions with a stony face, and eventually Murphy grew tired of humoring him and started talking with just Clarke. Seeing her giggle at some joke made Bellamy look away.

Which wasn’t fair, she wasn’t  _ his _ . She could date anybody she wanted. Bellamy sighed under his breath and ordered a beer. It was going to be a long night.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "10 months. 10 months was enough to numb the pain. Bellamy hated it, hated how the pain lessened because his sister deserved more. She deserved the world, and he couldn’t give her it."  
> Octavia died 10 months ago in a car crash. That day changed Bellamy forever- a permanent reminder of what he had lost. As he undergoes the struggles of facing his pain, will he learn to accept the help of his friends? Or will he suffer through the numbness by himself?
> 
> A Modern AU, Originally posted on my Wattpad account, @MayWeMeetAgain07.

It was around, maybe, 10, and Murphy and Clarke were  _ still  _ talking. They’d ordered much more beer than him, and Clarke kept emitting these high pitched giggles that could somehow still be heard in the loud bar. Murphy was smirking at her, telling yet another joke, when Bellamy intervened. “Maybe we should go home?” He said, just loud enough for them to hear him.

Clarke turned to him and laughed. “Why? W- we’re just getting started!” She exclaimed, and Murphy pumped his fists.

“Hell yeah!” he said, then leaned down and loudly whispered: “I really have to pee, okay? I’ll be right back.”

Clarke smiled up at him. “Okay.”

They were left alone. Him and Clarke. Before he could say anything, she grabbed his hand and pulled him onto the dance floor. Clarke started dancing, and Bellamy just stood by awkwardly, apologizing to people when he bumped into them.

Even in her drunk state, after a while she seemed to notice that her friend wasn’t having a good time. So Clarke grabbed his hand and dragged him to the back of the room.

She shoved him up against a wall, a pouty look on her face as she took a step back. “Why a- aren’t you having fun Bell?”

“I, I-” he stuttered, and she shook her head.

“No, none of that,” she demanded stepping closer and poking him in the chest. “Why. Aren’t. You. Having. Fun?”

“Clarke, you’re drunk, just-”

She let out a frustrated sigh. She was so close to him, their noses were practically touching. Bellamy glanced towards the door of the mens bathroom. Where the hell was Murphy?

He wasn’t looking at her, so the kiss caught him off guard. It was sloppy, and he could taste the alcohol on her breath. She pulled back when his body froze and he refused to melt into the kiss. Clarke wasn’t looking at him, but he was looking at her, and the look of betrayal and regret on her face made him cringe. “S- sorry…”

Which was of course the exact moment that Murphy chose to join them. Bellamy jerked away from her, but if Murphy noticed how close they’d been, he didn’t let it show. He pointed finger guns at them both and said: “Heyyyyy…” Really loudly.

“Shut up.” Clarke snapped at Murphy, then proceeded to rush off.

Murphy shrugged nonchalantly. “Jeez, what’s up with her?”

Bellamy had a good idea what was wrong, but he stayed silent and watched Clarke’s retreating back.

Murphy frowned and nudged Bellamy’s shoulder. “Hey. What’s wrong?”

Bellamy sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Nothing,” he managed. Murphy waited in silence. “I just…” he started, then stopped again. “She doesn’t… Clarke thinks that I should talk to someone about Octavia, that I should let it all out and just cry, but that’s not my way of coping, y’know?”

Murphy nodded surprisingly solemnly for a drunk person. “I choose to be numb,” Bellamy continued. “I don’t want to… to be weak.” His voice cracked at the end, so he stopped talking. Bellamy hoped Murphy didn’t guess what he’d been about to say. 

_ I don’t want to get hurt _ .

Bellamy gulped and felt his eyes stinging with unshed tears. He swiped at them. Jesus, this was too close to emotion. He swallowed his tears and turned to Murphy. “Nevermind. Just don’t tell anyone I said anything, okay?”

He waited for Murphy’s nod of confirmation. “I probably won’t remember in the morning anyways,” Murphy told him, leaning against the wall and closing his eyes.

After a moment, Murphy opened his eyes again. “What? You’re still here? Go get your Princess.”

…

Bellamy found Clarke sitting outside the bar with her head in between her knees. “Fuck off, Murphy,” She growled when he sat down next to her.

Bellamy cleared his throat and her head snapped up. “Oh,” she said, rolling her eyes. “It’s you.”

“Yeah. It’s me.”

“Go away,” She whispered, and she sounded so pathetic and weak that he just wanted to hug her to make her pain go away. “Please…” she added as an afterthought.

“I’m not going away, Clarke.” He told her gently.

“Why?”

“Because I’m your friend.”

_ Your friend who thinks about you every night before he goes to sleep, your friend who loves you as more than just a friend, your friend who wishes that he’d kissed you back. But he’s too scared, too scared of the consequences _ .

“... Can we go home?” Clarke murmured.

Bellamy nodded. “Sure. You wait here, I’ll go get Murphy.”

He stood up to go, but she grabbed his sleeve and looked him in the eye. “Tell him I’m sorry.”

He nodded again and she let his sleeve slip out of her grasp. Bellamy opened the door to the bar and winced as the noise came rushing back. He closed the door at the same time he spotted Murphy flirting with some unlucky girl.

When he approached, the girl's eyes flitted between them and she walked away. Murphy finally saw him. “Hey, back already?” Murphy asked as Bellamy went to stand in front of him.

“Yeah. Clarke says she’s sorry, are you ready to go?”

Murphy blinked. “I’m going with you guys?”

Bellamy sighed impatiently. “Are you kidding? You’re way too drunk to drive!”

Murphy held up his hands in surrender. “Alright, alright. Jeez.”

Murphy followed him out and Clarke and Murphy wordlessly got into the back seat. Bellamy thought that they were probably still fighting, but when he glanced back, Clarke was asleep on Murphy’s shoulder.

A little pang of jealousy flickered through Bellamy, but he just clenched his jaw and repeated the same thing as earlier.

_ Clarke _ .  _ Wasn’t _ .  _ His _ .


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "10 months. 10 months was enough to numb the pain. Bellamy hated it, hated how the pain lessened because his sister deserved more. She deserved the world, and he couldn’t give her it."  
> Octavia died 10 months ago in a car crash. That day changed Bellamy forever- a permanent reminder of what he had lost. As he undergoes the struggles of facing his pain, will he learn to accept the help of his friends? Or will he suffer through the numbness by himself?
> 
> A Modern AU, Originally posted on my Wattpad account, @MayWeMeetAgain07.

Bellamy tip-toed around the figure sleeping on the couch. “Bellamy?” she whispered, and he gritted his teeth before turning to her.

“Hey, Clarke. You’re awake.” He told her, trying to ignore the way her blonde hair cascaded down her face in gentle waves.

“Yeah.” She said with a yawn. Even though it was not quite morning and still dark, Bellamy saw her wince.

“Headache?” He guessed, and she nodded.

“You want some water?” He added, and she waved him off, which he took as a yes. He brought her some water, which she took gratefully.

He sat down next to her on the couch and watched as she sipped on the water. “I really shouldn’t have gotten so drunk.” she said.

Bellamy sighed. “Clarke, we need to talk.”

She turned to him, fully attentive. “Mhm?”

“About, last night.”

A flicker of guilt passed over her features. “Uh, Bell, I don’t remember last night at all… all I remember is getting drunk and then you driving Murphy and I home.”

It felt like a blow to the chest, which it probably shouldn’t have. So she didn’t remember the kiss, then. She wasn’t his, he had no right to feel this. Bellamy swallowed thickly. “Oh.” he whispered.

Clarke smiled softly and bit her lip. “Why, what did I do?”

“Oh, uh, you and Murphy got into a bit of a fight, that’s all. But you made up, so it was fine, and I doubt he even remembers, and-”

“What was the fight about?” She asked.

“U- uh-” he stuttered, but Murphy entered the room and saved him from making something up.

Murphy looked fine, not as hangover as Bellamy thought he’d be. “Morning.” Murphy said meekly.

“Morning.” Bellamy and Clarke chorused simultaneously. Clarke flicked his back and he turned around to see her smiling.

“Jinx.”

“What are you, 10?” Murphy asked with a smirk.

Clarke stuck out her tongue.

“What’s for breakfast?” Murphy asked, stretching.

Clarke burrowed under her blanket and looked towards Bellamy with puppy dog eyes. “... Please?”

Bellamy sighed. He hadn’t told Clarke  _ why  _ he’d stopped baking. She probably thought he’d just been busy or something, that’s what he’d told her whenever she asked him to bake before. “Why doesn’t Murphy?” He asked.

Murphy held up his hands. “I can’t bake for the life of me.” He informed them.

And 2 burnt batches of pancakes later, Bellamy finally believed him. “I’ll do it.” he offered and Murphy looked relieved. He walked over, the batter was already made, so all he had to do was put them on the stovetop and flip them occasionally. He could do this.

Bellamy rolled up his sleeves and washed his hands in the sink. Then he walked over to the pancake batter. Before he could do anything, his muscles tensed.

_ “When did you learn how to bake?” Octavia teased. _

_ The sun made a halo on her hair and she looked like an angel. She smirked at him. “I’m serious. Mom never taught us.” _

_ Bellamy laughed. “I learned myself.” He told her, reaching up to swat her on the head. She ducked at the last second. _

_ “Nice try.” She retorted. _

“- Bellamy?”

He realized vaguely that he’d stumbled back from the stovetop and pressed himself onto the counter. All the air seemed to have left him. He couldn’t do this. Oh,  _ fuck _ , he couldn’t do this. Suddenly she was everywhere, her smile, her laugh, her perfect self.

There she was, laughing, crying, yelling. “Octavia,” he choked out, stumbling towards her. But she wasn’t here, she was  _ dead _ , she was dead.

Bellamy fought to keep the numbness over himself, he didn’t want to feel this, he didn’t want to feel anything. Small hands clasped around his wrist. He whipped around and the hands let go. Bellamy didn’t realize he was running until he’d already stopped.

His vision swam and his knees buckled. He still wasn’t crying, he still hadn’t cried, but she was his sister and,  _ fucking dammit _ , he was  _ supposed  _ to cry for her!

No, no, no.

He couldn’t cry, because then he would break and then it would all be over. He had to ignore the pain and be numb, and pretend he was healing like everyone wanted when every day it was getting harder to hold on.

Some days he just wanted to-

No. No, he had to stay alive. He had to live because Octavia didn’t, he had to live for her. He couldn’t give up, he just had to struggle through blindly and hope that he didn’t break. It  _ would  _ get better.

… It  _ had  _ to.

…

Bellamy didn’t remember falling asleep. But he did remember the nightmare. There she was, there was Octavia, and then the car crashed and she was gone. Bellamy screamed but no sound came out. He tried to run to her but his legs wouldn’t move.

And then came the worst part. He could feel someone behind him, he couldn’t turn to see them, but he felt their breath on his ear.

“Traitor.” Octavia whispered.

Bellamy snapped awake. He sat up, and realized that he was under a tree of some sort. Bellamy glanced up, and then checked his pocket for his phone. Once he unlocked it, a strand of messages filled his screen, mostly from Clarke but some from Murphy and Raven too.

_ Princess <3: 1:52 PM _

_ Bell??? Where are you? _

_ Princess <3: 1:56 PM _

_ We’re calling Raven to come help us search. Seriously Bell, respond. _

_ Princess <3: 2:09 PM _

_ I’m going back to the house, just in case you’re there. _

_ Princess <3: 2:14 PM _

_ I’m home. _

_ Princess <3: 2:14 PM _

_ Bellamy, please come home. _

_ Princess <3: 2:15 PM _

_ Please, I swear I didn’t know the baking thing would make you react like that. I’m so sorry. I forgot you and O used to bake together. _

_ Princess <3: 2:16 PM _

_ I’m sorry Bell. Please come home. _

_ Princess <3: 2:24 PM _

_ Bellamy… _

Bellamy blinked at the screen.

_ You: 2:27 PM _

_ Clarke? _

_ You: 2:27 PM _

_ I’m sorry for disappearing like that. _

_ Princess <3: 2:28 PM _

_ Where are you??? _

Bellamy peeked out from the tree and squinted his eyes to look at his surroundings.

_ You: 2:28 PM _

_ Uh… the park, I think, the one by our house. _

_ You: 2:28 PM _

_ Yeah, I see the fountain to the left. _

_ You: 2:29 PM _

_ Clarke? _

_ Princess <3: 2:30 PM _

_ Sorry, I’m here. _

_ Princess <3: 2:30 PM _

_ Stay where you are, I’m coming to get you. _

_ You: 2:30 PM _

_ Okay. _

Bellamy waited a few minutes for another text, but he didn’t get one. He stood up on admittedly shaky legs and stumbled out into the daylight. He blinked a few times as his eyes adjusted to the light.

Bellamy found a nearby bench and sat down, hunching his shoulders and kicking his legs awkwardly like a child until Clarke’s car pulled up.

She launched herself out of the vehicle straight into his arms. Much to his surprise, her body was shaking. When she pulled back from the hug, she cupped his cheeks and whispered. “Don’t you  _ ever  _ do that again.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "10 months. 10 months was enough to numb the pain. Bellamy hated it, hated how the pain lessened because his sister deserved more. She deserved the world, and he couldn’t give her it."  
> Octavia died 10 months ago in a car crash. That day changed Bellamy forever- a permanent reminder of what he had lost. As he undergoes the struggles of facing his pain, will he learn to accept the help of his friends? Or will he suffer through the numbness by himself?
> 
> A Modern AU, Originally posted on my Wattpad account, @MayWeMeetAgain07.

Clarke was asleep again. She’d practically fallen asleep at the wheel she was so tired. Bellamy had tucked her in about 20 minutes ago, and since then he’d taken a shower and texted Murphy and Raven, who were on their way home.

Not that they lived together, they lived separately, even though the whole group shipped them. Bellamy sighed loudly and leaned back, forgetting for half an instant that he was on a stool with no back and flailing to stay upright. He settled for leaning forward instead, rubbing his neck, which was prickling with goosebumps.

He hadn’t meant to lose control. But he knew he couldn’t let it happen again. He had to stay strong, for Clarke and all the rest of his friends.

Bellamy glanced at the clock, it was about 3:30. He did a double take. “Oh, crap.” He muttered to himself. It was time for Clarke’s online Saturday baking class. He knocked on the door to her room, but she didn’t respond.

“... Clarke?”

Again, no response.

Bellamy cracked the door and peeked inside. Clarke was in bed, thrashing around. Bellamy swore under his breath before rushing into the room to wake her up. He shook her shoulders, gently at first then more persistent until her eyes flew open. Her eyes focused and she saw him, and then she burst into tears.

Bewildered, Bellamy moved to her side to comfort her. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I- It’s her… e- every n- night it’s h- her…”

Bellamy’s heart twisted. “Who? It’s who?”

“Oct- Octavia… it’s her Bell, I- I see her w- when I s- sleep, I couldn’t s- save her Bell,” Clarke moans. “I- I couldn’t fu- fucking save h- her…”

Bellamy hugged her tightly and kissed the top of her head. “Oh jesus Clarke, I had no idea…” He had the same nightmares. He was tempted to tell her, but this moment was about her, not him.

“I- I was so- so c- close… if sh- she’d just l- lived o- one more m- minute…”

Bellamy squeezed his eyes shut. She’d almost done it, she’d almost saved his sister. “A- and Lincoln,” she continued. “H- he was dead b- by the t- time I g- got there, a- and she wa- wasn’t, and I- I… oh, oh  _ f _ - _ fuck _ Bell, I r- really thought I could save her…”

“You tried,” He told her. “You tried, and that’s all that matters.”

And Clarke cried, and she cried, and she cried. And she missed her baking class.

…

Clarke emerged from her room about an hour later. She looked a bit better, at least she wasn’t sobbing anymore. “Hey.” he greeted her, patting the couch space next to him for her to sit down on.

She obliged, curling up into his side with a small sigh. Bellamy curled his arm around her and grabbed the remote. “What do you say we watched a documentary?”

She nodded against his side. “Okay.”

She looked up at him and smiled wanly. He smiled back, not thinking much of it until she gasped. “Oh my god.”

Bellamy blinked, the smile instantly falling from his face. “What?”

“You just smiled! Bell, you smiled!” she started laughing and Bellamy’s brow furrowed even furthur.

She hugged him and while they were close in proximity, breathed in his ear: “You haven’t smiled since she died.”

She pulled back and he blanched. “You’ve been keeping track?”

Clarke laughed, albeit a little shyly, and muttered: “Of course.” Before grabbing the controller and pressing on Netflix. Bellamy stared at her in shock and she nuzzled into his side again.

Their eyes made contact and he smiled again.

Her beam could have melted the sun it was so bright. Clarke picked a documentary called ‘The Inventor- Out for Blood in Silicon Valley’. When Bellamy gave her a questioning glance, she shrugged and said: “What? I heard it was good.”

And it was.

…

Clarke and Bellamy were sitting next to each other eating pizza. “Okay, but like, why didn’t she just fess up?” Bellamy was asking.

Clarke crossed her legs and squinted at him. “What, and admit she couldn’t do it?”

Bellamy shrugged. “I mean… yeah?”

Clarke laughed, then took a contemplative bite of pizza. The conversation fizzled out as they ate. Bellamy stood up and put the leftovers in the fridge. “What time is it?” Clarke asked, and Bellamy pulled his phone out of his pocket.

“7.” He called back.

For some reason, he felt lighter than he had before. When he told Clarke this, she just shook her head and smiled. “I knew it.”

He frowned. “You knew what?”

“You feel better because you actually let yourself  _ feel  _ a little bit,” when he still looked confused, she sighed and added: “Okay, think about it like this. You have this mini panic attack about Octavia, right? And then, afterwards, you start smiling and you feel better. Remember what I always tell you?”

She turned to Bellamy and waited for a response. “You, uh, you have to let it all out?”

Clarke flicked him on the nose. “Exactly.”

The sudden closeness of her made his breath catch.  _ That  _ hadn’t happened in a while. Maybe he was getting better. Maybe she was right and he really did have to face his fears to feel better.

Bellamy swallowed nervously. “But how do I do that? How do I… ‘let it all out’?”

Clarke shrugged. “It all depends. I would recommend going to her grave, it might help you say goodbye.” He’d never visited her grave before. He’d been too scared.

Bellamy shut his eyes and clenched his fist before he whispered: “Okay.”

“Really?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Let’s go… at the end of the month.”

Clarke hugged him. “I know that it’s hard, but we’ll get through this together.”

The word,  _ ‘together _ ,’ sent a little thrill through his body. “Yeah. Together.”

…

The next week, which happened to be the last week of school, was a busy one. He had to stay after school several times to help students with their end of the school year project, a presentation that Bellamy hoped to finish by Thursday so that they could have a party on the last day of school.

He was going to miss his students, hopefully he’d get some of the more diligent workers again next year.

On Wednesday, Clarke snuck up on him while he was finishing grading some kids test retakes. “Hey.” she said mildly, and he almost jumped a mile.

Bellamy let out a shaky laugh. “Jesus Clarke, you gave me a heart attack!”

“Sorry,” she amended. “But I wanted to ask, after you’re done, can we watch a movie?”

He nodded, feeling a little bad that he’d been too busy to hang out with her much this week. “Yeah, of course.”

She left, leaving him to finish his grading. He’d been feeling a little more down lately, like the euphoria of shedding the numbness was wearing off. He knew he wasn’t back to his full self yet, he still couldn’t bring himself to joke about anything.

But it was fine. He would get better.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "10 months. 10 months was enough to numb the pain. Bellamy hated it, hated how the pain lessened because his sister deserved more. She deserved the world, and he couldn’t give her it."  
> Octavia died 10 months ago in a car crash. That day changed Bellamy forever- a permanent reminder of what he had lost. As he undergoes the struggles of facing his pain, will he learn to accept the help of his friends? Or will he suffer through the numbness by himself?
> 
> A Modern AU, Originally posted on my Wattpad account, @MayWeMeetAgain07.

Bellamy thought he was only going one Friday. But when Clarke grabbed his hand and dragged him out the door, he couldn’t say no.

When they got there, they waited for Murphy (and, apparently, Raven,) and ordered drinks. It was the last day of school, Bellamy was in the mood to get drunk. He and Clarke were on their second round by the time Murphy and Raven got there.

It was a little awkward at first, but the alcohol loosened up everybody and eventually they were all laughing and joking like old friends. Which they  _ were _ .

Raven told them all about her job as a mechanic, and about her leg, which she’d injured last year in a work accident. She claimed it was getting better, but he saw that when she stood she winced. But alas, it was getting late and all good things must come to an end.

While Clarke and Murphy led the way, Bellamy stayed back with Raven. “Your legs hurting you.” he stated, and she rolled her eyes.

“And  _ you're  _ drunk.” she retorted.

“So are you.”

“Yes, but I’m significantly less drunk than you.”

Bellamy ran a hand through his hair. “That is  _ not  _ true. I’m not slurring or anything.” He tripped over a stray rock on the sidewalk and Raven cackled.

“But your balance is shit.”

Bellamy stood up and brushed himself off daintily. “Stop trying to distract me. How long has it been hurting.”

She was silent for a while, and he was starting to think he’d offended her until she spoke. “3 months.”

“Really? Raven, you should see a doctor.”

She winced. “I’m fine.”

“I’m not kidding, you really need to-”

“Shut up,” she snapped. “I’m not taking advice from  _ you _ .”

“What?”

“Your life is total and complete crap!”

Bellamy stopped dead in his tracks. “What?”

“You can’t even mourn your dead sister properly!” she spat.

Bellamy’s heart practically stopped. “What the fuck, Raven?” he hissed.

“You ignore us all for 10 months, and then you just fucking decide that you’re fine again? That’s not how it works, don’t you-”

Bellamy had never been so relieved to hear Murphy’s lazy drawl. “Oooookay Raven, I think you’ve had enough fun for one night.”

He dragged Raven away, the latter of whom was still shouting curses over her shoulder. A tense silence ensued, and Bellamy heard Clarke come to stand beside him. Clarke grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “She’d just had a bit too much to drink, that’s all.”

Bellamy swallowed. “Yeah, okay.”

She nudged his arm. “Hey, you good?”

He nodded and faked a smile in her direction. “Yeah. Yeah, of course, I’m fine.”

…

“Hey, do we have any-”

Clarke shushed him and pointed at her computer, which was open. It took him a moment to realize that she was doing her online class. “Oops.” he mouthed, exiting the room and sitting in the living room.

He heard her sign off a couple minutes later, before calling to him: “What did you need?”

He could do this. He just had to be brave. “Can you come in here?” he asked, and she poked her head through the door.

“No, I mean, sit down.” she gave him a funny look before obliging.

Clarke propped her head up on her arms. “What’s up?” she asked.

Bellamy gulped. He had to be brave. “I want to bake something.”

Clarke smiled, showing all her teeth. “I didn’t think you’d want to try that so soon,” she admitted. “But the kitchen is all yours. I’m not good at baking, anyways.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Don’t I know it.” he grumbled, and she laughed. It felt good to tease her.

He stood up and strolled into the kitchen. Flour and other ingredients were already out from Clarke’s class. “What were you supposed to bake today?” Bellamy asked her.

“A chocolate cake,” she replied from the other room. When he inquired as to where it was, she laughed and told him: “In the trash can.”

Bellamy peaked inside the trash can, and indeed a mildly burnt, crumbly chocolate cake sat there. “Hm. Do you mind if I make one? We can do a taste contest, I’m sure yours will taste better with all the trash juices on it.”

Clarke snorted from the other room. “Ha. Ha. Ha.” she said dryly.

Bellamy smiled. He felt better already. His fingers lingered over the baking ingredients. Oh god, he couldn’t do this.

_ “Like this?” Octavia asked, holding up to cake batter. _

_ Bellamy smiled. “Exactly.” _

Bellamy gripped the edge of the counter and sucked in a shallow breath. He could do this. He closed his eyes until his breathing returned to normal and reached for the flour.

…

When he was sure he wasn’t going to suddenly have a mental breakdown, the baking became mindless. He’d baked this exact cake so many times before he barely needed to focus. Bellamy even hummed a little to himself.

When he stuck it in the oven, Clarke came into the room. “Is it done yet? I’m hungry.”

“Firstly, no. Secondly, we are  _ not  _ having chocolate cake for dinner.”

Clarke propped her head up against the counter with her fist. “Um. Yes we are.” she told him as if he were the biggest idiot in the world.

Bellamy’s smile faltered. When he didn’t respond, Clarke looked up at him. She followed his gaze to a point behind her, but nothing was there. Except something  _ was  _ there.

“Oh, big brother,” Octavia sighed. “I missed you.”

Then she flickered out and she was gone. “- _ Bell _ ?” Clarke was saying, but her voice sounded like it was underwater. “Jesus Bell,  _ breathe _ .”

Air filled his lungs. In, out. In, out. In. Out.

Clarke was standing up, staring at him, concerned. “Are you okay?” she asked after a moment.

Bellamy nodded mutely. Yes, yes, he was fine. “Did you see her?” Clarke asked quietly. He debated lying, but… 

“Yeah.”

She moved to him and hugged him. “It’s okay.”

He wrapped his arms around her. “I know.”


End file.
